Berlin’s hockey team plans to appeal for a raise in temperatures nationwide, just to help the team.

By Volker Vollpfosten

After being named the GM of Berlin, Winfling set the strategy to draft young and hungry players with attractive contracts. But the owner of the Berlin Smurfs, a guy who looks like Papa Smurf or Santa Claus and has the characteristics of Al Davis and Jerry Jones thought otherwise and blindsided Winfling in the 3rd and 7th round by picking Kiprusoff (5.8 M$) and Campbell (7.1M$).

Shocked GM Winfling tried to strike some deals to make the team competitive, but he always heard the same sentences from the other GMs: ‘we don’t know what to do with your team.’ or ‘I don’t see any player I like or need’ were the least harsh feedbacks to his players. Some GMs said they are afraid of getting blind if they read the lineup of Berlin to intensely and one GM swore that he can get cancer if he traded for a Berlin player.

Stunned Winfling asked himself if he has screwed up the Franchise? Has he drafted the worst player available every round? Does every player in his team has concussion issues and likes to drive the car totally drunk? Maybe he should have been skeptical because his drafted players were the only ones without groupies and they never used painkiller drugs before.

So what’s the plan for this doomed franchise?

First of all: Don’t play in a Division with those trade-crazy Swiss teams. Whoever will meet them a dozen times a year will end up as mashed dogfood or even worse.
Second: Hope that Campbell will retire after 2 or 3 games or better within the Preseason.
Third: Ask Germany to lower their taxes or increase the weather temperature (and because it would take ages to wait for a reduce of the high German taxes it should be sensible to focus on the second part)
Forth: Shuffle the lineup and the positions to get some hidden talents Maybe Edler is a nice goalie or Kiprusoff is the missing penalty killing forward with great faceoff skills?

But regardless how sore the forecast for this team looks it is never too late to make bold stupid statements. And here they come: “We don’t need the compassion of the other teams. Berlin will make the playoffs with homefield advantage in the first round and will face off in the Conference Finals. After that everything is pure luck. Or in German words: Die Hoffnung stirbt als Letztes.” said by a drunken Berlin GM.