GM: Guybrush Threepwood
Coach: Adam Oates
Last season: 2nd overall. In playoffs, defeated Zurich; defeated Kosice; defeated Munich; defeated Minsk to win the EURO Cup
Ins and Outs
(Season 16 to Season 17)
In: Ilya Samsonov (free agent), Morgan Rielly (free agent), Andrey Bykov (free agent), Brandon Saad (waivers), Tomas Jurco (waivers), Derek Stepan (free agent), Tobias Brighenti (free agent)
Out: John Tavares (free agent), Artturi Lehkonen (free agent), Ryan Hartman (free agent), Travis Konecny (Berlin), Tyler Toffoli (free agent), Nick Blankenburg (free agent)
Potential Lineup
Gabriel Landeskog/Ryan Nugent-Hopkins/Vadim Shipachyov
Jake Virtanen/Loic Lamperier/Brandon Saad
Tomas Jurco/Sean Couturier/Jan Kovar
Lawson Crouse/Andrey Bykov/Luke Evagelista
Staffan Kronwall/Filip Hronek
Justin Faulk/Roger Karrer
Jake Sanderson/Morgan Rielly
Calvin Pickard/Ilya Samsonov
A Question
Is the party still going on in Berlin? If you need to ask that, you have not been paying attention. Even in years when they don’t win the Cup, the Smurfs training facility resembles the movie “Animal House.” The general manager actually encourages rowdy parties with loud music, young women, beer, perhaps some drugs, as well as more women and more beer. Winning the conference on a Loic Lamperier overtime goal and then the Cup by a goal was great, but we don’t think it mattered much to them. In a few days, the next season will start and pardon the pun, but there will be a new Wall in Berlin to contend with. The salary cap is preventing the Smurfs from keeping the whole gang together for another season. Last year, Guybrush Threepwood was able to attract and pay for stars John Tavares, Gabriel Landeskog, Justin Faulk and Jan Kovar and we all know what happened by the end of the year. This season, however, the team loses Tavares, Artturi Lehkonen, Ryan Hartman and Travis Konecny. That’s four starting forwards who scored 98 goals last year. Also departed is Tyler Toffoli, who was called up for the entire playoff run. This year’s crop of newcomers is not nearly as impressive. Is Berlin done for? No, of course not. They are still the team to beat in the Southern Conference. Last season, the Smurfs were the highest-scoring team in the league. We can’t see that happening again this season, but they do have considerable skill on the roster still. If you are a betting man, place some wagers on winger Jake Virtanen having a huge breakout season. And if you are a EURO League forward, the Smurfs will be no fun to play against again this season, and not just because of the unpleasant alcohol breath. Goalie Calvin Pickard and all six members of the defense corps return. As a team, Berlin ranked third in the league in goals against last season.
Rose’s Focus
“The truth about Calvin Pickard and Staffan Kronwall is starting to come out. The star goalie and defenseman could have left Berlin and the repressive Guybrush Threepwood regime behind after their contracts expired in the off season, but both returned to the Smurfs. Why? Why return to a team that is aging at a rapid pace and is now without four of its starting forwards from last season? With their resumes, Pickard and Kronwall could have easily gotten as much or even more money in another city than the $7 million and $10.1 million Threepwood is paying them to stay. So why? That’s what I ask myself. Myself answers ‘It’s the cheerleaders, Rose.’ Personally, I am not attracted to women with gorgeous bodies. If I was, I would be standing in front of a full-length mirror right now. But Pickard and Kronwall obviously aren’t serious about being serious. It’s all fun and games to them. An addiction, really. They are both 33 now and maybe they have a chance to win another Cup or two before they get too old to contribute, but it’s obvious they don’t care about anything other than their little girlfriends. Myself says ‘OK boys, have your fun now. When you are out of hockey in a few years and the money’s all gone, your cheerleader friends will be hanging out with Jake Sanderson and Luke Evangelista and you will be asking Guybrush if you can work for the equipment manager or head janitor just so you can feed your sick addictions.'”
