There are some new general managers in the EURO League this season who already don’t understand all the fuss about Erik Forssell. Here’s a quick primer to bring you up to speed on the league.
The main characters
All league decisions are made in an office in Vienna, on Schulerstrasse, around the block from the Mozart house. Only three people work in the office: Chuck Massaro, commissioner; Rose, league accountant and secretary; and Sepp Blatter, former FIFA president who is currently the EURO League’s Director of Saftey and Player Discipline. Blatter would like it to be known that he will NOT accept bribes from any general managers and those bribes will NOT affect his decisions. Rose, by the way, is very proud of her cooking and likes receiving gifts and cards. She has never been married but has a niece for whom she is openly trying to find a Mr. Right.
Darker Days
The EURO League has found success as the world’s most profitable and popular hockey league, but it has also had its blemishes:
- The Cookie Incident (Forssell was nearly poisoned, Rose was suspended) Read more (There were a few stories preceding this one)
- The Gustl Rescue (Miss Slovakia rescues Anze Kopitar’s dog from Russian kidnappers) Read more (There were several stories preceding this one)
- The Smurfs. It’s just something you need to be aware of. Under General Manager Guybrush Threepwood, the Berlin team has become the one team you have to be aware of at all times. You know the old sayings about letting sleeping dogs lie, or poking bears? Well, don’t make the Smurfs angry. They play very well when they are angry. Treat them nice, perhaps give them a case of Smurfberry juice, and you will beat them. Just don’t make them angry. You won’t like what happens next.
- The Blatter Investigation. Remember it? We barely do. This was the original story and we don’t remember the outcome of the probe. How could an investigation just end? Maybe they are still investigating it.
- Economic Crisis. Suddenly, at the start of Season 7, players and their agents became very difficult to deal with, asking for much more money than ever before. Their stance forced many teams to sit or release top talent and rosters changed like never before. The change in attitude coincided with the appointment of Emin Agalarov, son of Russian oligarch Aras Agalarov, as players union chief. See story here.
- Bern-Berlin Rivalry. Sometimes Photoshop hurts. A photo posted by rookie Bern GM Paja Jansson angered the Smurfs and ignited a fierce rivalry that still burns today. See this short story about the initial incident.
- Damn Malkin. The Paris center is a legend in the league. His production is declining, but he was a force to be reckoned with for years. Once, however, he did so well against Berlin (10 points in 3 games) that he was given a nasty nickname that stuck forever. Again Guybrush Threepwood was involved. He was the one who gave Malkin the nickname. And then Donald Trump ran for president and adopted the Guybrush tactic to refer to his rivals like Lyin’ Ted Cruz and Crooked Hillary Clinton.
- Greedy Orlov. Why do all these stories involve Berlin? Like Malkin, Orlov got a nickname that stuck. See Paja’s perfect explanation for the whole story.
- The Bullies. General Managers Igor Kirunov and Chris Patton built teams in Minsk and Belfast, respectively, that have been beating up teams for the last five seasons. The winner of the annual Minsk-Belfast battle has gone on to win the Cup the last five years. Chuck Massaro, the valiant Bratislava GM, tried to put the bullies in their place in Season 8, but his team choked and coughed up a 3-1 Finals series lead, allowing Minsk to raise the Cup for a second time.
The Hall of Fame
On the block next the league office, the EURO Hall of Fame has been built (see original story here). Every few years, we vote on players to be inducted into the Hall along with the original three members – Niklas Lidstrom, Teemu Selanne and Zdeno Chara. No one was voted in on the second ballot and you will be receiving the third ballot very soon.
The All-Star Game
The EURO League All-Star Game is a tradition that began in Season 1. It is held mid-way through each season, with the league’s 24 general managers voting on the teams that will represent each conference. The day before the game, a Skills Competition is conducted. All you would ever want to know about the league’s all-star tradition can be found on this e-book.
The World Cup
Nationalism turned to on-ice violence on a couple of occasions in Season 8 and the league decided to hold a World Cup to give players a chance to show – rather than tell – which country produces the best players. The tournament will be held once Season 9 gets under way. Teams rosters have already been decided and the games will be simulated by Bern GM Paja using EA Sports’ NHL 18. Here’s a little background. and more background.
The Draft Guides
Because our seasons move along faster than the slow-poke NHL does, we have to create a fictional draft class every 3 or 4 seasons. The commissioner has compiled the last two fictional lists by searching for A) players who were drafted in the later rounds of recent NHL drafts who probably won’t ever make the big club; and B) Young players who were not drafted but are excelling in European leagues. All the fictional players are actually real players* and the photos of them that appear in draft guides are really photos of the players.
*Through a vote, we allowed GMs to “create” themselves as players. Three did and all three have since abandoned the league. We were able to change names of two of them, but since at least one other Websim league adopted that player set, we are stuck with one name. We won’t be doing that again.
The Team Profiles
Before each season, the commissioner updates a Team Profile page of each team, looking at what to expect out of the team for the upcoming season. The page also includes a history of the team’s performances since Season 1 and its personnel changes. Your team can be found by clicking the Team Profiles link on the right side of the webpage or by typing “profile Athens” (or whatever your team name is) in the search bar. See photo at right.
Suspensions for Match Penalties
Websim games sometimes include match penalties for infractions that result in injuries to opponents. In the EURO League, players who receive match penalties can get one- or multi-game suspensions, depending on the severity of the injury and the amount of “influence” Sepp Blatter does NOT receive. See the league’s Websim site forum page for details.
Uniforms
Commissioner Massaro tried to write daily recaps of league games but couldn’t keep it up. Last season, he opted for a simpler method, showing a player’s jersey (sweater) and writing a little about what he did recently. The idea is to help us associate players with their teams. To accomplish that, he designed a uniform for each team (some are actual jerseys from European leagues) and each player was given a jersey number. This season, the commissioner is going to unveil a new feature: design your own uniform. GMs will be presented with a link to a new website where they can select stripes and other design details of the uniform, and submit them to the commissioner, who will then construct the uniform on a Photoshop template. That should be coming soon.
